As others out there like me will agree, this is a very tricky world that we navigate everyday. And I'm not talking about politics or the like, but about the world inside our own brains. Warning: feeling philosophical today. It's amazing to me how my brain can go from 0-600,000 in 4.2 seconds flat. I'm not what people would call a "traditional" depressed person. My symptoms of depression/anxiety/hypochondritis started so early that I can't exactly pinpoint them. The cure is often exacerbating for the condition itself, in other words: you're going to get worse before you start getting better. For me, opening myself up to explore all the neuroses that have shaped my life for 29 years is a frightening and (very occasionally) rewarding experience. I guess what sets me apart from the clinical definition of depression (and what, in my experience, sets most of us apart from what psychology believes is 'normal' for depressed people) is my optimism. It's still there, buried under insecurity and irrational thoughts. I have always had a distinct hope for the future, that maybe the future isn't going to be quite so hard to navigate as the present and the past. I also think this is an irrational thought to some extent. I can no better predict the future than my local meteorologist can predict tomorrow's weather. I can only have HOPE that with effort on my part, with the future will come some measure of happiness for me. I really believe now that the cognitive behavioral techniques that I'm learning will be of use for me. The only drawback is that in order to recognize how self destructive your thoughts are and change those thoughts, you need to experience them and take responsibility for them.
So, enough philosophy...however unintelligible. And why does my brain pick today to use big words? I'm going to have to test out the spell checker today.
My doctor prescribed allergy medicine for the vertigo, and I'm currently focusing all my mental energy on not freaking out about new meds. My sinuses are (in doctor's words) "a mess". This is something I know already. But I'm willing now to give these allergy pills a try in order to regain my equilibrium. They're Allegra and flonase in case it matters. Here's hoping that my next emotional shift is in the upward direction that this morning has taken. As much as I LOVE roller coasters, the emotional ones really do suck.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I think you hit it right on the head. It is necessary to experience and take responsibility for those self-destructive thoughts. It's more difficult than I had imagined. And yes, while the view from the top of the roller coaster is nice, the lows suck!
Hang in there.
Leila,
you too, at least we're all on this ride together!
Addie
Post a Comment