Uneventful Weekend...

I've never been so glad for a boring weekend in my life. I went out just a few times, watched a lot of tv (roommie and I are finished with season 3 in our Buffython 2007), saw Pirates III (awesome), had a very boring session with my therapist (I think we spent 15 minutes talking about the season finale of Lost), had a mini anxiety attack whilst shopping, and slept a wonderfully long amount of time each morning. I've really narrowed in on my anxiety triggers lately, being forced into waiting in line in a crowded 'Claire's' at the mall while the inept cashier takes inordinate amounts of time giving away 'free' crap that no one wants set me off on a fun little jaunt into anxiety. It didn't help that the two women who were waiting in line behind me were in their 50s, dressed like they were 25, wore so much makeup it made me wonder if they were actually younger than they appeared...tip to those who cake on makeup everyday...it doesn't make you look younger folks. Stick with the face God gave you. These two women were trying on gaudy plastic rings and bracelets, wondering aloud if they should get them or if they looked too 'Claire's'. Um, ladies, hate to burst your bubble, but they look too gaudy, it doesn't matter where you bought them. And while I'm on the subject, when did styles turn in the direction of my jewelery box in 1988? And for the record I was 10 years old at the time and shopped at...hmm....Claires! I think I've figured out their nefarious plan. Wait 20 years and bring the crap that you couldn't sell back out. I think I still have a box of ugly plastic earrings and charm necklaces around somewhere but I'm not breaking them out any time soon for anything but nostalgia. So I endured the anxiety, waited on line to purchase my 2 pairs of (non plastic) earrings in order to secure my third one free. I also walked away with 8 free pens with 'Claires' on them. Joy.
All in all it was a good weekend. Now I'm at work, let the hellishness begin again.

My Brain...my worst enemy and (hopefully) future best friend.

As others out there like me will agree, this is a very tricky world that we navigate everyday. And I'm not talking about politics or the like, but about the world inside our own brains. Warning: feeling philosophical today. It's amazing to me how my brain can go from 0-600,000 in 4.2 seconds flat. I'm not what people would call a "traditional" depressed person. My symptoms of depression/anxiety/hypochondritis started so early that I can't exactly pinpoint them. The cure is often exacerbating for the condition itself, in other words: you're going to get worse before you start getting better. For me, opening myself up to explore all the neuroses that have shaped my life for 29 years is a frightening and (very occasionally) rewarding experience. I guess what sets me apart from the clinical definition of depression (and what, in my experience, sets most of us apart from what psychology believes is 'normal' for depressed people) is my optimism. It's still there, buried under insecurity and irrational thoughts. I have always had a distinct hope for the future, that maybe the future isn't going to be quite so hard to navigate as the present and the past. I also think this is an irrational thought to some extent. I can no better predict the future than my local meteorologist can predict tomorrow's weather. I can only have HOPE that with effort on my part, with the future will come some measure of happiness for me. I really believe now that the cognitive behavioral techniques that I'm learning will be of use for me. The only drawback is that in order to recognize how self destructive your thoughts are and change those thoughts, you need to experience them and take responsibility for them.
So, enough philosophy...however unintelligible. And why does my brain pick today to use big words? I'm going to have to test out the spell checker today.
My doctor prescribed allergy medicine for the vertigo, and I'm currently focusing all my mental energy on not freaking out about new meds. My sinuses are (in doctor's words) "a mess". This is something I know already. But I'm willing now to give these allergy pills a try in order to regain my equilibrium. They're Allegra and flonase in case it matters. Here's hoping that my next emotional shift is in the upward direction that this morning has taken. As much as I LOVE roller coasters, the emotional ones really do suck.

And the world goes round and round...

Literally. I'm a mess today. Why is it when I've got an explination for how I'm feeling it doesn't make the anxiety over it go away?? I also need to ban myself from websites about medication. I think that all this dizzyness I'm feeling (which is BAD today) is a result of the cymbalta (still). I haven't had alcohol recently, in more than a year actually, and the other night I took nyquil so I could sleep without sneezing up a storm. It was the morning after I took the nyquil that my dizzyness really started. Now I of course dug up testimonials of people that alcohol can exasterbate the withdrawal symptoms from the cymbalta. This is totally logical to me and, if true, means that I've got nothing to worry about, just a little bit of uncomfortable dizzyness to work around. It might last for weeks, the sites say. Apparently this medication alters your brain chemistry so much that even 2 weeks on it can cause you to withdraw. I'm hating the way I feel now because I can't seem to snap myself out of it. My muscles are all tense and my chest is tight, I have a lump in my throat. I just want to go home and sleep or cry or both... this is so scary. It's like I'm not in control of my own body. Well, at least I know that it gets better from here, because it has before. I just wish I could convince the tiny hypochondriac on my shoulder of that. I wish that little bitch would shut up :)

Oh, the craptastic-ness of this day

I'm not sure what happened to me today but I'm in anxiety central right now. I'm dizzy (sort of), it's more of a disconnected feeling, like I'm lightheaded without seeing spots. Wondering what could be causing this is (of course) freaking me out. All I want to do right now is go crawl into bed and hopefully feel better, but I have another hour before I can leave work, then I go straight to my counselor's office. I really do enjoy talking with her every week, she's very helpful to me in dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I guess I get nervous about WHAT to talk about. I mean, I have no shortage of issues, but they come and go so quickly that what has me convinced I'm dying one second won't even be a blip on the radar in an hour. It's not that I don't feel comfortable telling her all my little ups and downs, it's the fact that they come and go so much that has me questioning my sanity. I mean, take right now for example. I'm dizzy-ish and feel very keyed up. I've taken a half of one of my anxiety pills but have yet to feel the effect. I blame some of this on reading over patient testimonials of different drugs I've taken and the side effects of each. My issue right now is different from what I normally feel when I experience anxiety and that's what has me worried. Of course I should be used to that, there's always something new. The second I "get over" something there's something else to take its place. Do I do this? Am I latching onto things in order to NOT have to deal with *nothing* being wrong? That's what it feels like, but the knowledge of this and the fact that I very very much want to NOT dwell on this stuff so much *should* help me. It's not. I go from allergies to anxiety to worrying about yeast infection treatments to anxiety about my heart and on and on and on. Now I just want to cry.
This crap *sucks*...and the ride continues.

Pollen...my arch nemisis...ses...

My allergies have pitched a tent and made themselves at home the past few days. Is it possible for me to catch a break, you know...ever? Could I maybe have a day or so of a break between illnesses that make me feel like crap? Apparently not. Oh well, I'll stick bits of tissue up my nose and enjoy the circus that is 'finale week' on tv. 9 pm tonight can't get here fast enough. Heroes!!
Well, that was an indescribably boring post. Sorry!

And this and this and this, and it means nothing...

10.5 points for anyone who recognizes where the title of this post and the title of my blog come from.
So on friday I got a massage. I marched into the spa and the masseuse explained everything to me so well that all my anxiety evaporated and it was a phenomenal experience. I'm totally going to start saving up for an hour long one in another month or so. Who needs groceries anyway? Eating is for wussies!
My only regret is that I didn't arrange for a ride to/from the appointment. The nice relaxation I achieved evaporated pretty quickly in the rush hour traffic on my drive home...
I'm very pleased to report that except for a few issues with vertigo my 10 days on cymbalta has left me none the worse for wear.
And following Leila's lead, I just bought a puppy. Fortunately mine will never pee on the floor or torture my cats: it breathes, but only because it takes batteries. My doggie. I'm pretty sure I'm naming him Grissom.

Yoga

I never thought I'd be one of those people who did yoga. I feel like I've discovered something miraculous. I've done the occasional session of yoga with Steve Ross over on the Oxygen network ("Inhale" 6am mon-fri) but never with much regularity. I've just recently started doing yoga of some sort every other day, always with a tv program (I tend to get giggly and/or self conscious during actual classes). What I've learned is this: when I'm concentrating on not falling over or when I'm praying that my legs will not give out in chair pose...I'm not focusing on my health or getting anxious. I still have a bit of trouble when my heart rate starts getting fast, but I'm working on that. My heart is my friend. (repeat 4 times...breathe) The only drawback I've found is that in order to eventually practice yoga everyday you need to be, like, *good* at it. I'm still at the "all my muscles ache the next day" phase. I think I overdid it yesterday, too...my shoulders are pretty sore this morning.
Oh and the *other* thing that I'm (sort of) excited about is that I'm getting a massage today. I can't really afford it but I've decided to take the advice of a bunch of people who I complain about my muscle tension to on a regular basis. The 'sort of' comes mostly in the leadup to the massage. What do I wear? Do you tip the masseuse? Can I spell? How freaky is it going to be to have a perfect stranger massaging my back? I guess I'll see!

I'm really ticked

I've been taking cymbalta for 10 days now. I've just now been made aware of the horrible withdrawal symptoms that are associated with stopping this medication. And that it's not really proven to work as a long-term aid. There are people out there who think they're dying because of the cessation of this medication. I'm just glad I learned about this when I did so I can quit while I'm (hopefully) not too used to the medication. Because this has been a useful tool for me AND there seems to be a lack of information out there for people who don't know what keywords to google, I'm hoping to blog about what happens after someone like me quits. Hopefully I'm going to have no problems at all and this will just be a further learning experience for me. Next time googling the name of the drug is not enough. Drug + withdrawal would have saved me the anxiety I've got now. I'll just hold tight to the fact that I've only been taking the low dose for 10 days and not 2 years...and if I do have symptoms I'll know what they are and what to expect. Although I still will likely think I'm dying/going crazy. Not much that will stop that. :O)

The worst has (hopefully) passed

The side effects of my new meds have eased a bit, and with them my anxiety. I got spooked on friday after reading the list of 'medium risk' drug interactions on drugs.com but I'll deal with that hurdle when I actually need to take one of them. It irks me to no end that the beta blocker that the cardiologist tried to get me to take is on the 'medium risk' list. Apparently taking them together could result in one of them increasing it's effectiveness by 3 times. Great. And I disproved my cardiologist in my own highly scientific study over the weekend. I ran up and down the stairs twice and my heart rate was up in the 160s for at least a minute. This is the level that the tests showed me at that he said was due to an arrhythmia. I questioned him several times if it could just be that I'm out of shape and my heart rate goes up when I exercise? Nope, he said. Well ...he was exceedingly helpful. So now I'm feeling relatively 'ok' this morning, save for the throbbing in my ankle which I twisted yesterday and the fact that my shoulders remain ever tense and painful. I need to marry a masseuse. Cause those puppies are *expensive*.

Day 4

After a trip to the cardiologist yesterday for a follow up on a Echo and 21 day monitoring from a few weeks ago I now have new info and most of it's (gasp) good! The palpitations I've been experiencing are nothing to worry about. I've got a mild Mitral Valve Prolapse that causes a slight murmur. I've known about that for a few weeks and it's not causing much anxiety, my dad has the same thing and it's never caused him any issues. The other thing was periods of tachycardia that showed up on the ekg monitor. What's funny is that the times I felt something and pushed the event button on the monitor were not the times that showed any issues. The automated system activates by itself when there's an event and that's when the tachycardia showed up. The good news is even when my heart is racing, it's never been higher than my target heart rate should be when exercising. The one bad point in this is that the cardiologist wants me to start taking beta-blockers to slow down my heart rate. I ask again...do these doctors not hear me the first 10 times I express fear and anxiety over taking medications? Especially when they're not really necessary. So I'm going to wait and see how I adapt to this new antidepressant before I start to let my brain run wild over NEW side effects.
I guess my fear stems from the idea of being *dependant* on medications. Does this mean I'll have to take them for the rest of my life? That's a really scary thought. I've never been good at regular taking of vitamins, let alone medications that all say in the literature "do not stop taking this medication without your doctor's knowledge".
I hate this crap.

the web is evil

I just popped over to the website for my new medication www.cymbalta.com where I learned that "Your doctor may periodically check your blood pressure while taking cymbalta." And the games begin. And I left my trusty blood pressure cuff at home. Frak.
Note to self: invent cure for anxiety disorders (must have no side effects)

To medicate or not to medicate

Aah yes, this new medication makes my blood pressure slightly elevated, which to me feels like WAY more than slightly...so my dilemma is do I continue to take the medication in the hopes that it will eventually work? I know all the little pamphlets that come with medications all say that many side effects will go away in time. Not really sure I want to wait and see. Of course my brain being what it is, the side effects could very well be due to the fact that I'm anticipating side effects and thus creating them. The worst symptom I've been experiencing lately is the prickly sensation, like sunburn and pins & needles (without the numbness) mostly on my shoulders, arms and my head. Being that my skin is so pale it's translucent and I'm obsessive about not going out in the sun without sunscreen (don't need more freckles), it's not sunburn. During my anxiety attacks I tend to get a burning in my chest and back similar to this but unlike that, this doesn't go away.
I suppose it's not like I can feel any worse at the moment so I might as well give this medication a few more days to work. Don't doctors know that people with health anxieties don't deal well with medications? I mean, half the time I'm afraid to take *anything* because I'm afraid of the side effects. A paradox indeed.

Rollercoaster

Recovery is a funny thing. I've slowly and steadily been climbing another big hill and the dips have been shallower and easier to overcome. Just when I get a handle on living with anxiety and getting more comfortable with myself, my headaches return. My horrible tension/sinus headaches that plagued me for years and were totally absent while I was going nuts and not eating and not sleeping. Well they're back. As my counselor says, find something positive in every day. Yeah...positive. I'm no longer running around with adrenaline leaking from every pore, so my blood vessels are normal sized again, so tension causes headaches. So the anxiety is better, therefore I get my headaches back. Joy. My only question now is do they have to be EVERY day? Like every moment of every day my head feels like there's a fire under my skin and my forehead and jaw ache like it's going out of style. Which of course alarms my inner hypocondriac because then I obsess that my blood pressure is too high, that maybe there's another reason for these headaches beside the requisite "tension". Which brings back my old friend anxiety (only without the steady adrenaline IV that may or may not have kept my headaches away).
Oh, and I have something else to worry about!! Yipee! I'm trying a new antidepressant... behold: the side effect fairy is smacking me on the head with her fuzzy baton. My reaction to medications is usually the same...headaches, nausea... check and check. And side effect headache, not helping standard want to knock myself out headache. *sigh*
Whoever invented blogs is wonderful. Seriously. It's likely another soul will never read this but it makes me feel better just writing it all down. Thanks to Leila over at theperfecthypochondriac.blogspot.com/ for inspiring me to write my own issues down. God bless you, Leila!