BAD blogger...

No posty for 12 days. Bad Addie! So I've been coasting these past few weeks. Not better, not worse. I'm working on lowering my expectations so I don't immediately jump to the wrong conclusion when dealt a sleepless night or whatever. I need to brag about some things to start with...I've been slowly weaning myself off of the klonopin, I've cut my dose way down and only take it when I'm desperate. I haven't had any panic attacks, but the anxiety that was my enemy is now moving in to the guest house at my invitation (I'll explain). I've been experiencing more of the same old symptoms...it's funny that as soon as I get to the point of accepting that a symptom is just anxiety, it goes away and another one takes its place. I'm still experiencing the light headedness and chest tightness that have become very familiar lately. And my new bestest friend: hair loss! My hair has been coming out at an alarming rate the past 2 weeks. I mentioned this to my doc, thinking it might be a side effect of the remeron, but he told me it wasn't and to take selenium. I've also read that stress can cause you to lose your hair. EEk!! It's not coming out in clumps or anything and my hair is thick so it can stand to lose a bit and not be noticed...but if it keeps up the way it's going I am going to be BALD!! Needless to say I'm trying not to worry about that. Guess how successful I'm being at that.
Now for the grand finale: my anxiety. I've learned through the wonderful people at the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program at Duke, that most of us make war on the things we don't like. When I sit down to meditate and I feel anxiety or back pain or anything else unpleasant, my reaction is to demand that it go away. Not the most successful strategy. Telling myself that in order to have a good, relaxing experience I need to get rid of the pain or anxiety is not going to get good results. It's the attitude of non-judging that I'm trying to cultivate. To observe the anxiety or the pain with curiosity and not fear and loathing. It's in its infancy right now but I'm eager to see where this takes me. Anyone who wants to read more about mindfulness should get the book "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's the outline for the stress reduction program that I'm currently in. And unlike fad programs that promise results immediately ("An END to your anxiety FOREVER") this has no such promises. It simply provides you with instructions on how to use the tools that are already within you. It's logical, life changing stuff. Seacrest out.