My own (deserving) self....

I know I have low self esteem. I don't think much of my ability to handle situations properly. I feel like people look down on me because I don't dress in the latest fashion or don't go out partying every (read: any) weekend. I'm not much for socializing, primarily because I feel like an absolute dunce when meeting new people is involved. I feel like all the women are judging me and the men would never talk to me unless they had an ulterior motive. Yes, I'm also a bit paranoid. And really good at "predicting the future" or making up scenarios that I'm SURE will happen if I bother to go out. I'm very tall (5'10) and I'm very self conscious about my hips and thighs. I feel so oafish when around shorter or petite people because I take up more space than they do. While I'm not obese by any means, I have some extra flab that I would love to get rid of (as do most people, I know). I also subscribe to the notion that no one else has these difficulties, that no one else feels as socially awkward as I do, that no one could possibly understand. And I know that that notion is a load of crap. Unfortunately as many would agree, *knowing* and actually believing are two totally different things.
Anyway, to return to my self esteem issues...before my anxiety issues started I had no idea how pervasive my lack of self-worth is. It's through talking through a lot of my issues that I've come to some rather startling revelations. I worry about my health and obsess over every little sensation because I don't trust myself to take the proper action! I don't respect my own judgment enough to take my own advice on an issue dealing with my own body! How does this happen where I need someone else's assurance that the pain in my stomach is just a stomachache and not something that I should see a doctor about? This comes from years of looking to others for what is socially acceptable, or thinking that what others do is "cool". I've fixed that part, I don't look to celebrities or television for what is trendy. I'm increadably cynical when it comes to celebrity in general. I don't see many movies because all I can hear when I see actors is what stupid tripe came out of their mouth in the news. It makes me sick the amount of trust young people put in their favorite celeb, learning now not only what to wear and how (not) to act, but what political cause of the moment to believe wholeheartedly in...until the next one hits. Oh and to be 'holier than thou' about the whole thing. I think having convictions is a great thing. But believing in something that you don't properly understand is just silly. If you can't argue your point to someone of the opposite view with wit and wisdom (and refraining from name-calling) then you might want to rethink your position. My whole point in rambling about this is to say, I'm making progress. I've got the strength of my beliefs and they're helping me build a solid foundation upon which to build up the rest of me. Hopefully I've got all my permits in order and I don't fail inspection. Oh and I want granite countertops. If I'm going to 'flip' myself like I would a house, I want the best!
(many apologies for the gi-normous post