I've been looking inward for so long now and it seems like the only answers/relief that I feel is fleeting. I want to believe that what I've done has caused the improvement that I've seen over the past months, but another part of me is worried that it was a natural cycle and that badness is once again on my plate. I think that I've always anticipated a future time when everything in my life will be perfect. I'll get over this constant health anxiety and somehow deal with everyday aches and pains the way that "normal" people do. I will feel like getting out and doing more things, and feel less like just sleeping away the day to avoid. I won't feel so tenative all the time, like I'm perched on the edge of a very steep slope. I don' t say cliff, because it's more like I'm afraid of taking that first step down the hill that will then claim my momentum and soon have me running uncontrollably down, unable to stop or slow down and just trying not to fall. I will make more friends (again, like "normal" people), I will find something that I'm passionate about and make it my life's work. All great things to hope for. But the problem is that this perfect future is one which I can neither define nor find a path to. I really do want that "better life". I just don't know what it will take to make that better life. *sigh*
I'm just going to pimp a website I've been using. I've read bunches of books on cognitive behavioral techniques and meditation techniques and techniques that I'm pretty sure are a bit hinky. This site's content (in the form of mp3s downloadable) is the same as all the rest, but for the first time it's acutally getting through to me. It's making sense. selftherapy.org Just figured I'd throw that out there into the cyber ether.
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3 comments:
Huh, I'll have to check out that site, even though I'm the last person on planet earth not to have a mp3 player.
Boy, how I can relate to that perfect future that you don't have to work for. Up until recently I just assumed that things would fall into place for me. Apparently it doesn't happen that way...
Hey Addie!
Wow! Is that beautiful cat a Chartreuse?
I think a “perfect” life is a little much to wish for…but the things you list are PERFECTLY reasonable to wish for and are well within reach, no matter how far they might feel at the moment.
Cheers,
Barbora
Leila,
Oh dear, everyone needs an mp3 player. But if you've got a burner you could always put the tracks on cds!
*raises glass* here's to that future, we may have to work our tails off and it certainly won't be perfect, but it WILL be better.
Barbora,
Thanks for the kind words, I'm working on believing that stuff too! And Gandalf is a mutt, or the cat equivalent. His momma was a grey tabby and we suspect his dad was an orange tabby. His siblings were all tabbys, too. He's just a miracle of grey fuzz.
Addie
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