Perfect

I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.
--Barenaked Ladies "What a Good Boy"

That song has been running through my head for the past few days and is scarily exactly how I'm feeling.
Today has NOT been a good day. Mood swings, you want 'em? Too bad, we got 'em, check 'em out.
I journal when I'm really upset, with mixed results. Today's blog is going to be excerpts, because on top of everything else, I'm lazy. Go figure.
Today has been really frustrating. Everything just seems so dire when I’m in a funk like this. I find myself very frustrated by the thoughts that it may never get better than this. That this might be my life from now on. I just can’t seem to stop dwelling on the negative today. I want to feel better, but the myriad of books that have been suggested I read and the techniques that I can’t seem to stick with are weighing me down because on top of the way I feel I’m guilty for not sticking with anything long enough for it to help. The problem is that part of me must not believe that it will help me. I’ve always been this way for the most part but it’s worse when your mental wellbeing is at stake (or feels like it is).

At times like right now it feels like every other moment I’ve been “faking it” and this is the real me. Now I understand why people seem to gravitate toward medication as a fix for this condition, and then get stuck. If I didn’t know that there was a little pill that will make me feel much better maybe I wouldn’t be this bad off. Maybe. Probably not. I just signed up for the mindfulness stress relief class which starts in less than a month. I’m very hopeful that it will help me. I really need to slow down my brain. It seems to change at the drop of a hat lately and unfortunately my mood does, too. One minute I’m just hanging on by a thread and the next I could feel much better. Right now is not one of those times. It’s hard to look back on the past few months and really understand that I’ve improved. I know I have, but when I’m feeling bad it doesn’t seem to matter. I can’t grasp the concept that things are looking better because in my heart it’s not good enough. Nothing short of actually feeling better for an extended period of time is going to satisfy me. Is that wrong to want? To feel better? So much of what I read is telling me that I need to come to terms with the sensations, I need to be in the moment with the feelings. Well I’ve been there…what’s next, when do I start to feel better? Or should I say, when do I start to think better?