Love After Love

Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you have ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
-Derek Walcott

The Guest House

The Guest House
This being human is a guest-house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi

BAD blogger...

No posty for 12 days. Bad Addie! So I've been coasting these past few weeks. Not better, not worse. I'm working on lowering my expectations so I don't immediately jump to the wrong conclusion when dealt a sleepless night or whatever. I need to brag about some things to start with...I've been slowly weaning myself off of the klonopin, I've cut my dose way down and only take it when I'm desperate. I haven't had any panic attacks, but the anxiety that was my enemy is now moving in to the guest house at my invitation (I'll explain). I've been experiencing more of the same old symptoms...it's funny that as soon as I get to the point of accepting that a symptom is just anxiety, it goes away and another one takes its place. I'm still experiencing the light headedness and chest tightness that have become very familiar lately. And my new bestest friend: hair loss! My hair has been coming out at an alarming rate the past 2 weeks. I mentioned this to my doc, thinking it might be a side effect of the remeron, but he told me it wasn't and to take selenium. I've also read that stress can cause you to lose your hair. EEk!! It's not coming out in clumps or anything and my hair is thick so it can stand to lose a bit and not be noticed...but if it keeps up the way it's going I am going to be BALD!! Needless to say I'm trying not to worry about that. Guess how successful I'm being at that.
Now for the grand finale: my anxiety. I've learned through the wonderful people at the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program at Duke, that most of us make war on the things we don't like. When I sit down to meditate and I feel anxiety or back pain or anything else unpleasant, my reaction is to demand that it go away. Not the most successful strategy. Telling myself that in order to have a good, relaxing experience I need to get rid of the pain or anxiety is not going to get good results. It's the attitude of non-judging that I'm trying to cultivate. To observe the anxiety or the pain with curiosity and not fear and loathing. It's in its infancy right now but I'm eager to see where this takes me. Anyone who wants to read more about mindfulness should get the book "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's the outline for the stress reduction program that I'm currently in. And unlike fad programs that promise results immediately ("An END to your anxiety FOREVER") this has no such promises. It simply provides you with instructions on how to use the tools that are already within you. It's logical, life changing stuff. Seacrest out.

My own (deserving) self....

I know I have low self esteem. I don't think much of my ability to handle situations properly. I feel like people look down on me because I don't dress in the latest fashion or don't go out partying every (read: any) weekend. I'm not much for socializing, primarily because I feel like an absolute dunce when meeting new people is involved. I feel like all the women are judging me and the men would never talk to me unless they had an ulterior motive. Yes, I'm also a bit paranoid. And really good at "predicting the future" or making up scenarios that I'm SURE will happen if I bother to go out. I'm very tall (5'10) and I'm very self conscious about my hips and thighs. I feel so oafish when around shorter or petite people because I take up more space than they do. While I'm not obese by any means, I have some extra flab that I would love to get rid of (as do most people, I know). I also subscribe to the notion that no one else has these difficulties, that no one else feels as socially awkward as I do, that no one could possibly understand. And I know that that notion is a load of crap. Unfortunately as many would agree, *knowing* and actually believing are two totally different things.
Anyway, to return to my self esteem issues...before my anxiety issues started I had no idea how pervasive my lack of self-worth is. It's through talking through a lot of my issues that I've come to some rather startling revelations. I worry about my health and obsess over every little sensation because I don't trust myself to take the proper action! I don't respect my own judgment enough to take my own advice on an issue dealing with my own body! How does this happen where I need someone else's assurance that the pain in my stomach is just a stomachache and not something that I should see a doctor about? This comes from years of looking to others for what is socially acceptable, or thinking that what others do is "cool". I've fixed that part, I don't look to celebrities or television for what is trendy. I'm increadably cynical when it comes to celebrity in general. I don't see many movies because all I can hear when I see actors is what stupid tripe came out of their mouth in the news. It makes me sick the amount of trust young people put in their favorite celeb, learning now not only what to wear and how (not) to act, but what political cause of the moment to believe wholeheartedly in...until the next one hits. Oh and to be 'holier than thou' about the whole thing. I think having convictions is a great thing. But believing in something that you don't properly understand is just silly. If you can't argue your point to someone of the opposite view with wit and wisdom (and refraining from name-calling) then you might want to rethink your position. My whole point in rambling about this is to say, I'm making progress. I've got the strength of my beliefs and they're helping me build a solid foundation upon which to build up the rest of me. Hopefully I've got all my permits in order and I don't fail inspection. Oh and I want granite countertops. If I'm going to 'flip' myself like I would a house, I want the best!
(many apologies for the gi-normous post

Feeling good (for now)

All is well on the ick front, instead I've got cravings for food I'm not sure exists. Never experienced a side effect like this one, it seems I crave food the fuller I am (if Leila gets to use the word 'pealy', I get to be creative, too). It's the Joss Whedon school of English usage, so anything goes! So I'm proud of myself this morning, I managed to fall asleep last night without assistance! Yipee!! And my Mindfulness Based Stress Relief (MBSR) class starts tonight at Duke University. I'm not all that jazzed about driving all the way to Durham and staying there until 9 tonight, but I scoped out the place at the orientation and it appeared to be pretty safe. You never know with Durham, though...'tis a scary place sometimes. You gotta wonder about a city where they brag about upping the funding to detectives investigating the latest drive by death of an innocent bystander, but you get a blank stare when you suggest they might find it useful to try to prevent the crime in the first place. But I digress (and don't live in Durham). I live in a wonderfully small town called Apex (the Peak of Good Living). It's Mayberry with a Super Target. It's adorably quaint when you can get stuck waiting for a train to go by on your way to (and from) the grocery store (of which we have 8!). It's a wonderful place to live...as long as they don't let the chemical disposal people rebuild (yes that was us).

A new beginning (again)

I didn't last very long on lexapro, long story but I'm finally (mostly) over the icks and eating again. I'm also on day 4 of Remeron, another anti-depressant that I've done ok with so far. It's main side effects are promotion of appetite and drowsiness. I was all about the drowsiness for the first 2 nights, then...poof...no sleep. The issue is that I'm starting this med whilst trying to quit taking the anti anxiety medication, so rebound anxiety abounds and once again I'm back to thinking that a large portion of the crap I've gone through these past 4 months is because of the benzo medication. It's apparently very easy for your body to get dependant on and very hard to get out of your system. This would be a nice thing to tell people BEFORE they start taking it. They throw medication at you in a time when you're scared and desperate and have NO idea of the long term issues it might cause.
Having said all that, I'm optomistic about remeron, despite the fact that it's not living up to it's 'knock you out' promise, it does seem to be helping. I'm back on the road and according to the last road sign I just passed, I'm headed in the right direction this time.
On a MUCH more exciting note, I wish it was March 2008 already. My roommate and I just booked a cruise to celebrate the end of our twenties next year. We're caribbean bound in the beginning of March, following a day in Orlando visiting mickey and riding obscene amounts of nostalgic rides. Wheeeeee!