Yoga

I never thought I'd be one of those people who did yoga. I feel like I've discovered something miraculous. I've done the occasional session of yoga with Steve Ross over on the Oxygen network ("Inhale" 6am mon-fri) but never with much regularity. I've just recently started doing yoga of some sort every other day, always with a tv program (I tend to get giggly and/or self conscious during actual classes). What I've learned is this: when I'm concentrating on not falling over or when I'm praying that my legs will not give out in chair pose...I'm not focusing on my health or getting anxious. I still have a bit of trouble when my heart rate starts getting fast, but I'm working on that. My heart is my friend. (repeat 4 times...breathe) The only drawback I've found is that in order to eventually practice yoga everyday you need to be, like, *good* at it. I'm still at the "all my muscles ache the next day" phase. I think I overdid it yesterday, too...my shoulders are pretty sore this morning.
Oh and the *other* thing that I'm (sort of) excited about is that I'm getting a massage today. I can't really afford it but I've decided to take the advice of a bunch of people who I complain about my muscle tension to on a regular basis. The 'sort of' comes mostly in the leadup to the massage. What do I wear? Do you tip the masseuse? Can I spell? How freaky is it going to be to have a perfect stranger massaging my back? I guess I'll see!

I'm really ticked

I've been taking cymbalta for 10 days now. I've just now been made aware of the horrible withdrawal symptoms that are associated with stopping this medication. And that it's not really proven to work as a long-term aid. There are people out there who think they're dying because of the cessation of this medication. I'm just glad I learned about this when I did so I can quit while I'm (hopefully) not too used to the medication. Because this has been a useful tool for me AND there seems to be a lack of information out there for people who don't know what keywords to google, I'm hoping to blog about what happens after someone like me quits. Hopefully I'm going to have no problems at all and this will just be a further learning experience for me. Next time googling the name of the drug is not enough. Drug + withdrawal would have saved me the anxiety I've got now. I'll just hold tight to the fact that I've only been taking the low dose for 10 days and not 2 years...and if I do have symptoms I'll know what they are and what to expect. Although I still will likely think I'm dying/going crazy. Not much that will stop that. :O)

The worst has (hopefully) passed

The side effects of my new meds have eased a bit, and with them my anxiety. I got spooked on friday after reading the list of 'medium risk' drug interactions on drugs.com but I'll deal with that hurdle when I actually need to take one of them. It irks me to no end that the beta blocker that the cardiologist tried to get me to take is on the 'medium risk' list. Apparently taking them together could result in one of them increasing it's effectiveness by 3 times. Great. And I disproved my cardiologist in my own highly scientific study over the weekend. I ran up and down the stairs twice and my heart rate was up in the 160s for at least a minute. This is the level that the tests showed me at that he said was due to an arrhythmia. I questioned him several times if it could just be that I'm out of shape and my heart rate goes up when I exercise? Nope, he said. Well ...he was exceedingly helpful. So now I'm feeling relatively 'ok' this morning, save for the throbbing in my ankle which I twisted yesterday and the fact that my shoulders remain ever tense and painful. I need to marry a masseuse. Cause those puppies are *expensive*.

Day 4

After a trip to the cardiologist yesterday for a follow up on a Echo and 21 day monitoring from a few weeks ago I now have new info and most of it's (gasp) good! The palpitations I've been experiencing are nothing to worry about. I've got a mild Mitral Valve Prolapse that causes a slight murmur. I've known about that for a few weeks and it's not causing much anxiety, my dad has the same thing and it's never caused him any issues. The other thing was periods of tachycardia that showed up on the ekg monitor. What's funny is that the times I felt something and pushed the event button on the monitor were not the times that showed any issues. The automated system activates by itself when there's an event and that's when the tachycardia showed up. The good news is even when my heart is racing, it's never been higher than my target heart rate should be when exercising. The one bad point in this is that the cardiologist wants me to start taking beta-blockers to slow down my heart rate. I ask again...do these doctors not hear me the first 10 times I express fear and anxiety over taking medications? Especially when they're not really necessary. So I'm going to wait and see how I adapt to this new antidepressant before I start to let my brain run wild over NEW side effects.
I guess my fear stems from the idea of being *dependant* on medications. Does this mean I'll have to take them for the rest of my life? That's a really scary thought. I've never been good at regular taking of vitamins, let alone medications that all say in the literature "do not stop taking this medication without your doctor's knowledge".
I hate this crap.

the web is evil

I just popped over to the website for my new medication www.cymbalta.com where I learned that "Your doctor may periodically check your blood pressure while taking cymbalta." And the games begin. And I left my trusty blood pressure cuff at home. Frak.
Note to self: invent cure for anxiety disorders (must have no side effects)

To medicate or not to medicate

Aah yes, this new medication makes my blood pressure slightly elevated, which to me feels like WAY more than slightly...so my dilemma is do I continue to take the medication in the hopes that it will eventually work? I know all the little pamphlets that come with medications all say that many side effects will go away in time. Not really sure I want to wait and see. Of course my brain being what it is, the side effects could very well be due to the fact that I'm anticipating side effects and thus creating them. The worst symptom I've been experiencing lately is the prickly sensation, like sunburn and pins & needles (without the numbness) mostly on my shoulders, arms and my head. Being that my skin is so pale it's translucent and I'm obsessive about not going out in the sun without sunscreen (don't need more freckles), it's not sunburn. During my anxiety attacks I tend to get a burning in my chest and back similar to this but unlike that, this doesn't go away.
I suppose it's not like I can feel any worse at the moment so I might as well give this medication a few more days to work. Don't doctors know that people with health anxieties don't deal well with medications? I mean, half the time I'm afraid to take *anything* because I'm afraid of the side effects. A paradox indeed.

Rollercoaster

Recovery is a funny thing. I've slowly and steadily been climbing another big hill and the dips have been shallower and easier to overcome. Just when I get a handle on living with anxiety and getting more comfortable with myself, my headaches return. My horrible tension/sinus headaches that plagued me for years and were totally absent while I was going nuts and not eating and not sleeping. Well they're back. As my counselor says, find something positive in every day. Yeah...positive. I'm no longer running around with adrenaline leaking from every pore, so my blood vessels are normal sized again, so tension causes headaches. So the anxiety is better, therefore I get my headaches back. Joy. My only question now is do they have to be EVERY day? Like every moment of every day my head feels like there's a fire under my skin and my forehead and jaw ache like it's going out of style. Which of course alarms my inner hypocondriac because then I obsess that my blood pressure is too high, that maybe there's another reason for these headaches beside the requisite "tension". Which brings back my old friend anxiety (only without the steady adrenaline IV that may or may not have kept my headaches away).
Oh, and I have something else to worry about!! Yipee! I'm trying a new antidepressant... behold: the side effect fairy is smacking me on the head with her fuzzy baton. My reaction to medications is usually the same...headaches, nausea... check and check. And side effect headache, not helping standard want to knock myself out headache. *sigh*
Whoever invented blogs is wonderful. Seriously. It's likely another soul will never read this but it makes me feel better just writing it all down. Thanks to Leila over at theperfecthypochondriac.blogspot.com/ for inspiring me to write my own issues down. God bless you, Leila!

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there.
(lifehouse)

So, here's my deal:
A little more than a month ago I had a panic attack. Rapid heart rate/nervousness that lasted all night. And my life has not been the same since. It's like every issue I have in my life has been magnified and they're all trying their hardest to be the biggest issue in my life.
I've learned a lot in the last month, about the nature of anxiety...how the mind can pretty much take over your body and dictate that you're never going to relax again. I've learned that there's a lot of people out there like me. I've also realized this wasn't something that just "started" a month ago. It's been there, lurking for years just waiting to jump in and take over. I've learned relaxation techniques and breathing techniques and what it's like to fear everyday things. I've also learned how awesome the people in my life are. My family and best friend have been above and beyond the best people I could have around me. They don't understand how I feel but they try to and help me more than I think they'll ever really know.
It's hard, because I've never been dependant on others for my emotional well being (or the fact that I'm still sane)...I've always been someone who holds everything inside and tries to keep control over everything. And like many (I'm guessing) neurotic control freaks, I fail to control anything.