Behold: The Void

Can we add a few hours to the day?

2007-11-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

On second thought...that would suck, unless they're sleep-hours. I'm still kicking. Mostly. My "treatment" for sleep difficulties has increased my depression (because God knows, it would be BAD for something that works so well to have no side effects). I love sleep meds because they take all the stress out of bedtime. But they put mucho stress into the rest of the day. Not of the good, lemme tell you. Muscle tension that makes me feel like my neck muscles are squeezing off the blood supply to my head is my symptom of the month. I'm trying very very hard to not "make war" on it and hate it like the hateful little bugger that it is. Trying VERY hard. Not succeeding. I absolutely hate these symptoms. I hate the psychological effect they have on me, I hate the feeling of weakness and hopelessness. I hate feeling like this is never going to change. And I REALLY hate feeling sorry for myself. But it's there, in big neon pink lettering in my head. Did I mention I hate neon pink?

Behold...an update!

2007-09-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

I hate it when bloggers go into long excuses laden explanations about why they haven't updated in elevendy billion days or so. I'll skip that. I'm here. I've been riding this roller coaster around the park for so long now I'm thinking the season pass might not be a bad investment. I can finally say I've got the anxiety mostly under control. The weird physical symptoms with seemingly no good explanation and the freaksome things that my mind makes up about them...not really better or worse. Still there. My current issue is a pinched nervy feeling in my left arm that's been around off and on for a month or so. My inner hypo is taking comfort in the fact that if I was having a heart attack a)it's been going on a loooong time and b)if it was heart related that kick boxing/step aerobics class I took yesterday would surely have finished me off. I had an interesting experience last night, my first (and if I have anything to say about it LAST) sleep study. The nice lady at Rex Hospital Sleep center attached about 20 electrodes to my scalp, FACE, legs, chest, a doohicky in my nose to torture me and a pulse monitor on my finger. All of these were attached to wires which were attached to a box. Did I mention I toss and turn a lot at night? Do they really think that trussing someone with sleep difficulties up with wiry torture devices is really going to give them a representative night sleep? Well, the good news is I don't have apnea. But I was pretty certain of that to start off with. I do now know, without a doubt that I am a sleep snob. I must have a variety of creature comforts without which bitchiness ensues. And then the hilarity. Oh the humanity. I need a nap.
Pic is a snap of the fine item currently decorating my cube at work. Target rocks.

Kindness

2007-08-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

~Naomi Shihab Nye

edited to remove a paragraph of that poem that kind of depressed me.

Methought I heard a voice cry 'Sleep no more'...

2007-08-15T05:59:00.001-07:00

I thought the above quote was appropriate because I am having freaky insomnia on Shakespearean proportions!! Never before have I experienced sleep paralysis before, but gosh darn it, I know what it feels like now! I have to say it was the least freaky experience of the evening, frankly because I understand the physiology of why it happens AND I'm not one of the folks who experiences this and thinks they have been abducted by aliens. The part that's really bothering me is the 'constantly waking up, thinking there's someone in my room or not knowing where I am, or just tossing and turning with a general unease. Oh, and tylenol PM sucks. No effect whatsoever. I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday and I've narrowed it down to Rozerem or Lunesta. I need something to get me through these long nights (and the even longer days on little sleep). I'm going to start talking in prose soon because I've been reading Shakespeare at night when I can't sleep. I'm sticking to the comedies, though...wouldn't want to have bad dreams!
O God! I could be bounded in a nut-shell, and
count myself a king of infinite space, were it not
that I have bad dreams.
- Shakespeare

Seriously, though, the Bard rocks...even though I totally believe that there never lived a ,man called "Shakespeare". (I subscribe to the Marlowe theory)

After all this whining about my sleep, it really is the only thing I've got to complain about. My mindfulness class is going to wrap up in a few weeks and I can't believe the difference in the way I deal with stress. It's been a Godsend.

and this post would not be complete without 'diabolical kitty with grammar issues'.

Mad Mission

2007-08-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

It's a cop out, but when I'm feeling good I don't much feel like blogging, I would like to share a song I've been listening to.
Mad Mission by Patty Griffin
We were drinking like the Irish
But we were drinking scotch
Bartender turned on a movie
Everybody turned to watch
And every single eye was gleaming
As he reached the final scene
Well, at least mine did
Here's lookin' at you, kid

It's a mad mission
Under difficult conditions
not everybody makes it
To the loving cup
It's a mad mission
But I got the ambition
Mad, mad mission
sign me up

I think I've seen the look before,yes,
it's kind of non-commital
It says come hither, baby, but then he's hard wood to whittle
it says it don't mean a thing, but still, somebody does
He'd like you to join the club that likes to say
there's no such thing as love and

It's a mad mission
Under difficult conditions
not everybody makes it
To the loving cup
It's a mad mission
But I got the ambition
Mad, mad mission
sign me up

Sometimes you find yourself
flying low at night
Flying blind and looking for
Any sign of light
You're cold and scared, and all alone
You'd do anything just to make it home

The Weaver

2007-08-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
Anonymous

Love After Love

2007-07-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you have ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
-Derek Walcott

The Guest House

2007-07-31T06:47:00.000-07:00

The Guest House
This being human is a guest-house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi

BAD blogger...

2007-07-31T05:54:00.000-07:00

No posty for 12 days. Bad Addie! So I've been coasting these past few weeks. Not better, not worse. I'm working on lowering my expectations so I don't immediately jump to the wrong conclusion when dealt a sleepless night or whatever. I need to brag about some things to start with...I've been slowly weaning myself off of the klonopin, I've cut my dose way down and only take it when I'm desperate. I haven't had any panic attacks, but the anxiety that was my enemy is now moving in to the guest house at my invitation (I'll explain). I've been experiencing more of the same old symptoms...it's funny that as soon as I get to the point of accepting that a symptom is just anxiety, it goes away and another one takes its place. I'm still experiencing the light headedness and chest tightness that have become very familiar lately. And my new bestest friend: hair loss! My hair has been coming out at an alarming rate the past 2 weeks. I mentioned this to my doc, thinking it might be a side effect of the remeron, but he told me it wasn't and to take selenium. I've also read that stress can cause you to lose your hair. EEk!! It's not coming out in clumps or anything and my hair is thick so it can stand to lose a bit and not be noticed...but if it keeps up the way it's going I am going to be BALD!! Needless to say I'm trying not to worry about that. Guess how successful I'm being at that.
Now for the grand finale: my anxiety. I've learned through the wonderful people at the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program at Duke, that most of us make war on the things we don't like. When I sit down to meditate and I feel anxiety or back pain or anything else unpleasant, my reaction is to demand that it go away. Not the most successful strategy. Telling myself that in order to have a good, relaxing experience I need to get rid of the pain or anxiety is not going to get good results. It's the attitude of non-judging that I'm trying to cultivate. To observe the anxiety or the pain with curiosity and not fear and loathing. It's in its infancy right now but I'm eager to see where this takes me. Anyone who wants to read more about mindfulness should get the book "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's the outline for the stress reduction program that I'm currently in. And unlike fad programs that promise results immediately ("An END to your anxiety FOREVER") this has no such promises. It simply provides you with instructions on how to use the tools that are already within you. It's logical, life changing stuff. Seacrest out.

My own (deserving) self....

2007-07-19T10:47:00.001-07:00

I know I have low self esteem. I don't think much of my ability to handle situations properly. I feel like people look down on me because I don't dress in the latest fashion or don't go out partying every (read: any) weekend. I'm not much for socializing, primarily because I feel like an absolute dunce when meeting new people is involved. I feel like all the women are judging me and the men would never talk to me unless they had an ulterior motive. Yes, I'm also a bit paranoid. And really good at "predicting the future" or making up scenarios that I'm SURE will happen if I bother to go out. I'm very tall (5'10) and I'm very self conscious about my hips and thighs. I feel so oafish when around shorter or petite people because I take up more space than they do. While I'm not obese by any means, I have some extra flab that I would love to get rid of (as do most people, I know). I also subscribe to the notion that no one else has these difficulties, that no one else feels as socially awkward as I do, that no one could possibly understand. And I know that that notion is a load of crap. Unfortunately as many would agree, *knowing* and actually believing are two totally different things.
Anyway, to return to my self esteem issues...before my anxiety issues started I had no idea how pervasive my lack of self-worth is. It's through talking through a lot of my issues that I've come to some rather startling revelations. I worry about my health and obsess over every little sensation because I don't trust myself to take the proper action! I don't respect my own judgment enough to take my own advice on an issue dealing with my own body! How does this happen where I need someone else's assurance that the pain in my stomach is just a stomachache and not something that I should see a doctor about? This comes from years of looking to others for what is socially acceptable, or thinking that what others do is "cool". I've fixed that part, I don't look to celebrities or television for what is trendy. I'm increadably cynical when it comes to celebrity in general. I don't see many movies because all I can hear when I see actors is what stupid tripe came out of their mouth in the news. It makes me sick the amount of trust young people put in their favorite celeb, learning now not only what to wear and how (not) to act, but what political cause of the moment to believe wholeheartedly in...until the next one hits. Oh and to be 'holier than thou' about the whole thing. I think having convictions is a great thing. But believing in something that you don't properly understand is just silly. If you can't argue your point to someone of the opposite view with wit and wisdom (and refraining from name-calling) then you might want to rethink your position. My whole point in rambling about this is to say, I'm making progress. I've got the strength of my beliefs and they're helping me build a solid foundation upon which to build up the rest of me. Hopefully I've got all my permits in order and I don't fail inspection. Oh and I want granite countertops. If I'm going to 'flip' myself like I would a house, I want the best!
(many apologies for the gi-normous post

Feeling good (for now)

2007-07-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

All is well on the ick front, instead I've got cravings for food I'm not sure exists. Never experienced a side effect like this one, it seems I crave food the fuller I am (if Leila gets to use the word 'pealy', I get to be creative, too). It's the Joss Whedon school of English usage, so anything goes! So I'm proud of myself this morning, I managed to fall asleep last night without assistance! Yipee!! And my Mindfulness Based Stress Relief (MBSR) class starts tonight at Duke University. I'm not all that jazzed about driving all the way to Durham and staying there until 9 tonight, but I scoped out the place at the orientation and it appeared to be pretty safe. You never know with Durham, though...'tis a scary place sometimes. You gotta wonder about a city where they brag about upping the funding to detectives investigating the latest drive by death of an innocent bystander, but you get a blank stare when you suggest they might find it useful to try to prevent the crime in the first place. But I digress (and don't live in Durham). I live in a wonderfully small town called Apex (the Peak of Good Living). It's Mayberry with a Super Target. It's adorably quaint when you can get stuck waiting for a train to go by on your way to (and from) the grocery store (of which we have 8!). It's a wonderful place to live...as long as they don't let the chemical disposal people rebuild (yes that was us).

A new beginning (again)

2007-07-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't last very long on lexapro, long story but I'm finally (mostly) over the icks and eating again. I'm also on day 4 of Remeron, another anti-depressant that I've done ok with so far. It's main side effects are promotion of appetite and drowsiness. I was all about the drowsiness for the first 2 nights, then...poof...no sleep. The issue is that I'm starting this med whilst trying to quit taking the anti anxiety medication, so rebound anxiety abounds and once again I'm back to thinking that a large portion of the crap I've gone through these past 4 months is because of the benzo medication. It's apparently very easy for your body to get dependant on and very hard to get out of your system. This would be a nice thing to tell people BEFORE they start taking it. They throw medication at you in a time when you're scared and desperate and have NO idea of the long term issues it might cause.
Having said all that, I'm optomistic about remeron, despite the fact that it's not living up to it's 'knock you out' promise, it does seem to be helping. I'm back on the road and according to the last road sign I just passed, I'm headed in the right direction this time.
On a MUCH more exciting note, I wish it was March 2008 already. My roommate and I just booked a cruise to celebrate the end of our twenties next year. We're caribbean bound in the beginning of March, following a day in Orlando visiting mickey and riding obscene amounts of nostalgic rides. Wheeeeee!

Day Two: optimism becomes me...

2007-06-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies..." -V

Still have the 'icks', as I like to call them. I look at food and say 'ick', the results of the food I manage to eat? 'Ick'. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I guess I should be thankful that I was a bit overweight before all this started. If I was down around my target weight I'd be in the danger zone by now. Anyway, no more dwelling on the negative. I took the meds again last night (with some food) and managed to sleep without taking anything! I'm very proud of myself. I did make the mistake of taking something this morning because the anti-anxiety meds tend to help with the nausea (a little) and I was desperate to eat something. Big mistake. I am in a state of brain fog I wasn't sure was possible. The floor under my desk is looking like a very pleasant place to nap right now. But no naps for me today! I'm going home, I'm going to go for a 2 mile jog, then see if I can eat something for dinner. Wheeeeee!

Day One

2007-06-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

My next few entries might bore others, but I'm blogging for myself, so you can just ignore these posts if you don't want to read about me whining. Posts will be tagged 'lexapro'
So I've been REALLY down lately, moreso than usual, and the anxiety is back in full force. It's that hopeless feeling that has you anticipating how crappy you're going to feel and then making it a reality. So I made the decision to give the old antidepressants a try. This time I chose one for myself, I did the research and decided that I was going to try lexapro. So I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and got my Rx and off we go...

He told me to start out by taking 1/2 of a dose (5mg) every night at bedtime. I did that last night and laid awake until I finally popped an anti-anxiety pill at 1 am to calm myself down. That's the problem with anxious people and meds. The act of taking meds so often causes anxiety symptoms that just so happen to be identical to the side effects of the medication! Imagine that!
So today I'm sleepy, and hella nauseous. Let me just say that none of this is new to me at all. Even on the nights that I get "enough" sleep it never seems like enough to my body. And the nausea is anxiety related. I have a hard time eating anything at all and if I don't will it to stay down, frequently throw up what I've managed to eat, or any water in my stomach. I spend all day thinking that I'll feel better if I could just empty my stomach, but that relief only lasts a short time. There are other digestive issues involved, but I'll leave that up to your imagination.
Let's just say nausea is NOT my friend but it keeps showing up anyway, bringing luggage that seems way to large to have been checked on an airplane. To give you an idea of the level of nausea, I'm 5'10", at my heaviest in March I weighed 198 lbs. I now weigh 165 and there has been no dieting and not much channge in the level of exercise that I do. Essentially I've dropped weight because I've had spans of time when eating is not on the menu (so to speak). So I'm very eager to get this medication in my system to a theraputic level where I can have some relief for the anxiety and depression (as promised by lexapro.com). I'm optomistic despite being unbelievably sick and tired of all this. Oh and my dad (who I love to death) told me to 'snap out of it' yesterday. That was helpful, thank's Daddy.
So tonight I'll be taking another half at dinner instead of bed. Yippee. See ya tomorrow.

Decisions

2007-06-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

I had an "emergency" trip to the cardiologist today. It took me arguing with him (in a polite way, of course) for him to understand just what it was that had me worried. I've got random PVCs (premature ventricular contractions) that cause a feeling like my heart stops then the next beat is more like a thud. It's very disconcerting. But also TOTALLY HARMLESS. I was told (in no uncertain terms this time) that these PVCs while annoying are not symptomatic of anything serious and that they're perfectly normal for me. This is a huge relief for me. Also the fact that the thing that was worrying me is NOT the thing that he wanted to put me on medication for. He suspects that I have exercise induced tachycardia. No kidding :O) I knew that. He just doesn't know if it's the result of an arrythmia or just my hearts personal style. So I'm going in for a stress test, run on the treadmill like a hampster, to see what it does to my heart rate.
I am writing this down because it's GOOD news and finally my brain can start to believe it. I also discovered something that I never knew before. WHen you stretch your arms up over your head (big stretch) and then bring them back down, this causes a drop in blood volume, which causes your heart to pause because a smaller blood volume means it takes longer for the heart to fill in order to pump all those teeny blood cells around. Crisis averted. I'm very glad that this time I was proactive with the doctor and (even though it meant being a little argumentative) got across the point I was trying to make. Now I can calm down. *sigh*
Seacrest out.

the circle

2007-06-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

Casey: It's a vicious circle.
Dan: Yep. Just keeps going around and around.
Casey: Never stops.
Dan: That's what makes it vicious.
Casey: And a circle.

quote from 'Sports Night'

Perfect

2007-06-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

I wake up scared, I wake up strange.
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
and everything around me stays the same.
--Barenaked Ladies "What a Good Boy"

That song has been running through my head for the past few days and is scarily exactly how I'm feeling.
Today has NOT been a good day. Mood swings, you want 'em? Too bad, we got 'em, check 'em out.
I journal when I'm really upset, with mixed results. Today's blog is going to be excerpts, because on top of everything else, I'm lazy. Go figure.
Today has been really frustrating. Everything just seems so dire when I’m in a funk like this. I find myself very frustrated by the thoughts that it may never get better than this. That this might be my life from now on. I just can’t seem to stop dwelling on the negative today. I want to feel better, but the myriad of books that have been suggested I read and the techniques that I can’t seem to stick with are weighing me down because on top of the way I feel I’m guilty for not sticking with anything long enough for it to help. The problem is that part of me must not believe that it will help me. I’ve always been this way for the most part but it’s worse when your mental wellbeing is at stake (or feels like it is).

At times like right now it feels like every other moment I’ve been “faking it” and this is the real me. Now I understand why people seem to gravitate toward medication as a fix for this condition, and then get stuck. If I didn’t know that there was a little pill that will make me feel much better maybe I wouldn’t be this bad off. Maybe. Probably not. I just signed up for the mindfulness stress relief class which starts in less than a month. I’m very hopeful that it will help me. I really need to slow down my brain. It seems to change at the drop of a hat lately and unfortunately my mood does, too. One minute I’m just hanging on by a thread and the next I could feel much better. Right now is not one of those times. It’s hard to look back on the past few months and really understand that I’ve improved. I know I have, but when I’m feeling bad it doesn’t seem to matter. I can’t grasp the concept that things are looking better because in my heart it’s not good enough. Nothing short of actually feeling better for an extended period of time is going to satisfy me. Is that wrong to want? To feel better? So much of what I read is telling me that I need to come to terms with the sensations, I need to be in the moment with the feelings. Well I’ve been there…what’s next, when do I start to feel better? Or should I say, when do I start to think better?

The imperfect future

2007-06-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

I've been looking inward for so long now and it seems like the only answers/relief that I feel is fleeting. I want to believe that what I've done has caused the improvement that I've seen over the past months, but another part of me is worried that it was a natural cycle and that badness is once again on my plate. I think that I've always anticipated a future time when everything in my life will be perfect. I'll get over this constant health anxiety and somehow deal with everyday aches and pains the way that "normal" people do. I will feel like getting out and doing more things, and feel less like just sleeping away the day to avoid. I won't feel so tenative all the time, like I'm perched on the edge of a very steep slope. I don' t say cliff, because it's more like I'm afraid of taking that first step down the hill that will then claim my momentum and soon have me running uncontrollably down, unable to stop or slow down and just trying not to fall. I will make more friends (again, like "normal" people), I will find something that I'm passionate about and make it my life's work. All great things to hope for. But the problem is that this perfect future is one which I can neither define nor find a path to. I really do want that "better life". I just don't know what it will take to make that better life. *sigh*
I'm just going to pimp a website I've been using. I've read bunches of books on cognitive behavioral techniques and meditation techniques and techniques that I'm pretty sure are a bit hinky. This site's content (in the form of mp3s downloadable) is the same as all the rest, but for the first time it's acutally getting through to me. It's making sense. selftherapy.org Just figured I'd throw that out there into the cyber ether.

Were it not that I had bad dreams....

2007-06-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

I rarely remember my dreams. Ever. The only times I can even remember dreaming in the first place tends to be when I fall back to sleep in the mornings or if I take a nap in the afternoon. Well, this morning I had a very strange and real dream. I woke up about an hour before I had to get up and I was nervous for some reason. I tossed and turned for a half hour and finally fell back to sleep and had a dream. I dreamt that I woke up and went to take a shower but the lights in the bathroom wouldn't work. I'm not sure why this scared me so much. If it had been reality, I would have been fine because the window in my bathroom provides enough light, even at 5:45 in the morning. But in this dream it was dark and I was paranoid that something would happen if I took a shower in the dark. I'm pretty paranoid about someone knocking out the power in my house in order to break in, so this paranoia isn't new...but in the dream the only lights that wouldn't work were the ones in the bathroom. I called my sister, but got a 'can't connect' message. Why I didn't try to wake my roommate up who is right down the hall is beyond me. Anyway, lo and behold my sister arrives and reassures me and I wake up. I'm not sure why this bothered me so much, but that paranoid, out-of-control feeling followed me as I took a shower (with the lights on) and got ready for work. Where's Freud when I need him?
Well, no real issues to report, other than the fact that I had a hard time going back to sleep this morning when I hit the snooze, laying there listening to my heart beat and feeling like I was about to take a calculus test I was unprepared for. Forget about the fact that today is a normal day in a normal week with nothing whatsoever to be nervous about. I guess I can take comfort in that fact.

Uneventful Weekend...

2007-05-29T04:45:00.000-07:00

I've never been so glad for a boring weekend in my life. I went out just a few times, watched a lot of tv (roommie and I are finished with season 3 in our Buffython 2007), saw Pirates III (awesome), had a very boring session with my therapist (I think we spent 15 minutes talking about the season finale of Lost), had a mini anxiety attack whilst shopping, and slept a wonderfully long amount of time each morning. I've really narrowed in on my anxiety triggers lately, being forced into waiting in line in a crowded 'Claire's' at the mall while the inept cashier takes inordinate amounts of time giving away 'free' crap that no one wants set me off on a fun little jaunt into anxiety. It didn't help that the two women who were waiting in line behind me were in their 50s, dressed like they were 25, wore so much makeup it made me wonder if they were actually younger than they appeared...tip to those who cake on makeup everyday...it doesn't make you look younger folks. Stick with the face God gave you. These two women were trying on gaudy plastic rings and bracelets, wondering aloud if they should get them or if they looked too 'Claire's'. Um, ladies, hate to burst your bubble, but they look too gaudy, it doesn't matter where you bought them. And while I'm on the subject, when did styles turn in the direction of my jewelery box in 1988? And for the record I was 10 years old at the time and shopped at...hmm....Claires! I think I've figured out their nefarious plan. Wait 20 years and bring the crap that you couldn't sell back out. I think I still have a box of ugly plastic earrings and charm necklaces around somewhere but I'm not breaking them out any time soon for anything but nostalgia. So I endured the anxiety, waited on line to purchase my 2 pairs of (non plastic) earrings in order to secure my third one free. I also walked away with 8 free pens with 'Claires' on them. Joy.
All in all it was a good weekend. Now I'm at work, let the hellishness begin again.

My Brain...my worst enemy and (hopefully) future best friend.

2007-05-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

As others out there like me will agree, this is a very tricky world that we navigate everyday. And I'm not talking about politics or the like, but about the world inside our own brains. Warning: feeling philosophical today. It's amazing to me how my brain can go from 0-600,000 in 4.2 seconds flat. I'm not what people would call a "traditional" depressed person. My symptoms of depression/anxiety/hypochondritis started so early that I can't exactly pinpoint them. The cure is often exacerbating for the condition itself, in other words: you're going to get worse before you start getting better. For me, opening myself up to explore all the neuroses that have shaped my life for 29 years is a frightening and (very occasionally) rewarding experience. I guess what sets me apart from the clinical definition of depression (and what, in my experience, sets most of us apart from what psychology believes is 'normal' for depressed people) is my optimism. It's still there, buried under insecurity and irrational thoughts. I have always had a distinct hope for the future, that maybe the future isn't going to be quite so hard to navigate as the present and the past. I also think this is an irrational thought to some extent. I can no better predict the future than my local meteorologist can predict tomorrow's weather. I can only have HOPE that with effort on my part, with the future will come some measure of happiness for me. I really believe now that the cognitive behavioral techniques that I'm learning will be of use for me. The only drawback is that in order to recognize how self destructive your thoughts are and change those thoughts, you need to experience them and take responsibility for them.
So, enough philosophy...however unintelligible. And why does my brain pick today to use big words? I'm going to have to test out the spell checker today.
My doctor prescribed allergy medicine for the vertigo, and I'm currently focusing all my mental energy on not freaking out about new meds. My sinuses are (in doctor's words) "a mess". This is something I know already. But I'm willing now to give these allergy pills a try in order to regain my equilibrium. They're Allegra and flonase in case it matters. Here's hoping that my next emotional shift is in the upward direction that this morning has taken. As much as I LOVE roller coasters, the emotional ones really do suck.

And the world goes round and round...

2007-05-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

Literally. I'm a mess today. Why is it when I've got an explination for how I'm feeling it doesn't make the anxiety over it go away?? I also need to ban myself from websites about medication. I think that all this dizzyness I'm feeling (which is BAD today) is a result of the cymbalta (still). I haven't had alcohol recently, in more than a year actually, and the other night I took nyquil so I could sleep without sneezing up a storm. It was the morning after I took the nyquil that my dizzyness really started. Now I of course dug up testimonials of people that alcohol can exasterbate the withdrawal symptoms from the cymbalta. This is totally logical to me and, if true, means that I've got nothing to worry about, just a little bit of uncomfortable dizzyness to work around. It might last for weeks, the sites say. Apparently this medication alters your brain chemistry so much that even 2 weeks on it can cause you to withdraw. I'm hating the way I feel now because I can't seem to snap myself out of it. My muscles are all tense and my chest is tight, I have a lump in my throat. I just want to go home and sleep or cry or both... this is so scary. It's like I'm not in control of my own body. Well, at least I know that it gets better from here, because it has before. I just wish I could convince the tiny hypochondriac on my shoulder of that. I wish that little bitch would shut up :)

Oh, the craptastic-ness of this day

2007-05-21T11:22:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what happened to me today but I'm in anxiety central right now. I'm dizzy (sort of), it's more of a disconnected feeling, like I'm lightheaded without seeing spots. Wondering what could be causing this is (of course) freaking me out. All I want to do right now is go crawl into bed and hopefully feel better, but I have another hour before I can leave work, then I go straight to my counselor's office. I really do enjoy talking with her every week, she's very helpful to me in dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. I guess I get nervous about WHAT to talk about. I mean, I have no shortage of issues, but they come and go so quickly that what has me convinced I'm dying one second won't even be a blip on the radar in an hour. It's not that I don't feel comfortable telling her all my little ups and downs, it's the fact that they come and go so much that has me questioning my sanity. I mean, take right now for example. I'm dizzy-ish and feel very keyed up. I've taken a half of one of my anxiety pills but have yet to feel the effect. I blame some of this on reading over patient testimonials of different drugs I've taken and the side effects of each. My issue right now is different from what I normally feel when I experience anxiety and that's what has me worried. Of course I should be used to that, there's always something new. The second I "get over" something there's something else to take its place. Do I do this? Am I latching onto things in order to NOT have to deal with *nothing* being wrong? That's what it feels like, but the knowledge of this and the fact that I very very much want to NOT dwell on this stuff so much *should* help me. It's not. I go from allergies to anxiety to worrying about yeast infection treatments to anxiety about my heart and on and on and on. Now I just want to cry.
This crap *sucks*...and the ride continues.

Pollen...my arch nemisis...ses...

2007-05-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

My allergies have pitched a tent and made themselves at home the past few days. Is it possible for me to catch a break, you know...ever? Could I maybe have a day or so of a break between illnesses that make me feel like crap? Apparently not. Oh well, I'll stick bits of tissue up my nose and enjoy the circus that is 'finale week' on tv. 9 pm tonight can't get here fast enough. Heroes!!
Well, that was an indescribably boring post. Sorry!

And this and this and this, and it means nothing...

2007-05-14T04:35:00.000-07:00

10.5 points for anyone who recognizes where the title of this post and the title of my blog come from.
So on friday I got a massage. I marched into the spa and the masseuse explained everything to me so well that all my anxiety evaporated and it was a phenomenal experience. I'm totally going to start saving up for an hour long one in another month or so. Who needs groceries anyway? Eating is for wussies!
My only regret is that I didn't arrange for a ride to/from the appointment. The nice relaxation I achieved evaporated pretty quickly in the rush hour traffic on my drive home...
I'm very pleased to report that except for a few issues with vertigo my 10 days on cymbalta has left me none the worse for wear.
And following Leila's lead, I just bought a puppy. Fortunately mine will never pee on the floor or torture my cats: it breathes, but only because it takes batteries. My doggie. I'm pretty sure I'm naming him Grissom.

Yoga

2007-05-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd be one of those people who did yoga. I feel like I've discovered something miraculous. I've done the occasional session of yoga with Steve Ross over on the Oxygen network ("Inhale" 6am mon-fri) but never with much regularity. I've just recently started doing yoga of some sort every other day, always with a tv program (I tend to get giggly and/or self conscious during actual classes). What I've learned is this: when I'm concentrating on not falling over or when I'm praying that my legs will not give out in chair pose...I'm not focusing on my health or getting anxious. I still have a bit of trouble when my heart rate starts getting fast, but I'm working on that. My heart is my friend. (repeat 4 times...breathe) The only drawback I've found is that in order to eventually practice yoga everyday you need to be, like, *good* at it. I'm still at the "all my muscles ache the next day" phase. I think I overdid it yesterday, too...my shoulders are pretty sore this morning.
Oh and the *other* thing that I'm (sort of) excited about is that I'm getting a massage today. I can't really afford it but I've decided to take the advice of a bunch of people who I complain about my muscle tension to on a regular basis. The 'sort of' comes mostly in the leadup to the massage. What do I wear? Do you tip the masseuse? Can I spell? How freaky is it going to be to have a perfect stranger massaging my back? I guess I'll see!

I'm really ticked

2007-05-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've been taking cymbalta for 10 days now. I've just now been made aware of the horrible withdrawal symptoms that are associated with stopping this medication. And that it's not really proven to work as a long-term aid. There are people out there who think they're dying because of the cessation of this medication. I'm just glad I learned about this when I did so I can quit while I'm (hopefully) not too used to the medication. Because this has been a useful tool for me AND there seems to be a lack of information out there for people who don't know what keywords to google, I'm hoping to blog about what happens after someone like me quits. Hopefully I'm going to have no problems at all and this will just be a further learning experience for me. Next time googling the name of the drug is not enough. Drug + withdrawal would have saved me the anxiety I've got now. I'll just hold tight to the fact that I've only been taking the low dose for 10 days and not 2 years...and if I do have symptoms I'll know what they are and what to expect. Although I still will likely think I'm dying/going crazy. Not much that will stop that. :O)

The worst has (hopefully) passed

2007-05-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

The side effects of my new meds have eased a bit, and with them my anxiety. I got spooked on friday after reading the list of 'medium risk' drug interactions on drugs.com but I'll deal with that hurdle when I actually need to take one of them. It irks me to no end that the beta blocker that the cardiologist tried to get me to take is on the 'medium risk' list. Apparently taking them together could result in one of them increasing it's effectiveness by 3 times. Great. And I disproved my cardiologist in my own highly scientific study over the weekend. I ran up and down the stairs twice and my heart rate was up in the 160s for at least a minute. This is the level that the tests showed me at that he said was due to an arrhythmia. I questioned him several times if it could just be that I'm out of shape and my heart rate goes up when I exercise? Nope, he said. Well ...he was exceedingly helpful. So now I'm feeling relatively 'ok' this morning, save for the throbbing in my ankle which I twisted yesterday and the fact that my shoulders remain ever tense and painful. I need to marry a masseuse. Cause those puppies are *expensive*.

Day 4

2007-05-04T06:00:00.000-07:00

After a trip to the cardiologist yesterday for a follow up on a Echo and 21 day monitoring from a few weeks ago I now have new info and most of it's (gasp) good! The palpitations I've been experiencing are nothing to worry about. I've got a mild Mitral Valve Prolapse that causes a slight murmur. I've known about that for a few weeks and it's not causing much anxiety, my dad has the same thing and it's never caused him any issues. The other thing was periods of tachycardia that showed up on the ekg monitor. What's funny is that the times I felt something and pushed the event button on the monitor were not the times that showed any issues. The automated system activates by itself when there's an event and that's when the tachycardia showed up. The good news is even when my heart is racing, it's never been higher than my target heart rate should be when exercising. The one bad point in this is that the cardiologist wants me to start taking beta-blockers to slow down my heart rate. I ask again...do these doctors not hear me the first 10 times I express fear and anxiety over taking medications? Especially when they're not really necessary. So I'm going to wait and see how I adapt to this new antidepressant before I start to let my brain run wild over NEW side effects.
I guess my fear stems from the idea of being *dependant* on medications. Does this mean I'll have to take them for the rest of my life? That's a really scary thought. I've never been good at regular taking of vitamins, let alone medications that all say in the literature "do not stop taking this medication without your doctor's knowledge".
I hate this crap.

the web is evil

2007-05-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

I just popped over to the website for my new medication www.cymbalta.com where I learned that "Your doctor may periodically check your blood pressure while taking cymbalta." And the games begin. And I left my trusty blood pressure cuff at home. Frak.
Note to self: invent cure for anxiety disorders (must have no side effects)

To medicate or not to medicate

2007-05-03T04:34:00.000-07:00

Aah yes, this new medication makes my blood pressure slightly elevated, which to me feels like WAY more than slightly...so my dilemma is do I continue to take the medication in the hopes that it will eventually work? I know all the little pamphlets that come with medications all say that many side effects will go away in time. Not really sure I want to wait and see. Of course my brain being what it is, the side effects could very well be due to the fact that I'm anticipating side effects and thus creating them. The worst symptom I've been experiencing lately is the prickly sensation, like sunburn and pins & needles (without the numbness) mostly on my shoulders, arms and my head. Being that my skin is so pale it's translucent and I'm obsessive about not going out in the sun without sunscreen (don't need more freckles), it's not sunburn. During my anxiety attacks I tend to get a burning in my chest and back similar to this but unlike that, this doesn't go away.
I suppose it's not like I can feel any worse at the moment so I might as well give this medication a few more days to work. Don't doctors know that people with health anxieties don't deal well with medications? I mean, half the time I'm afraid to take *anything* because I'm afraid of the side effects. A paradox indeed.

Rollercoaster

2007-05-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

Recovery is a funny thing. I've slowly and steadily been climbing another big hill and the dips have been shallower and easier to overcome. Just when I get a handle on living with anxiety and getting more comfortable with myself, my headaches return. My horrible tension/sinus headaches that plagued me for years and were totally absent while I was going nuts and not eating and not sleeping. Well they're back. As my counselor says, find something positive in every day. Yeah...positive. I'm no longer running around with adrenaline leaking from every pore, so my blood vessels are normal sized again, so tension causes headaches. So the anxiety is better, therefore I get my headaches back. Joy. My only question now is do they have to be EVERY day? Like every moment of every day my head feels like there's a fire under my skin and my forehead and jaw ache like it's going out of style. Which of course alarms my inner hypocondriac because then I obsess that my blood pressure is too high, that maybe there's another reason for these headaches beside the requisite "tension". Which brings back my old friend anxiety (only without the steady adrenaline IV that may or may not have kept my headaches away).
Oh, and I have something else to worry about!! Yipee! I'm trying a new antidepressant... behold: the side effect fairy is smacking me on the head with her fuzzy baton. My reaction to medications is usually the same...headaches, nausea... check and check. And side effect headache, not helping standard want to knock myself out headache. *sigh*
Whoever invented blogs is wonderful. Seriously. It's likely another soul will never read this but it makes me feel better just writing it all down. Thanks to Leila over at theperfecthypochondriac.blogspot.com/ for inspiring me to write my own issues down. God bless you, Leila!

2007-04-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I'm gonna do when I get there.
(lifehouse)

So, here's my deal:
A little more than a month ago I had a panic attack. Rapid heart rate/nervousness that lasted all night. And my life has not been the same since. It's like every issue I have in my life has been magnified and they're all trying their hardest to be the biggest issue in my life.
I've learned a lot in the last month, about the nature of anxiety...how the mind can pretty much take over your body and dictate that you're never going to relax again. I've learned that there's a lot of people out there like me. I've also realized this wasn't something that just "started" a month ago. It's been there, lurking for years just waiting to jump in and take over. I've learned relaxation techniques and breathing techniques and what it's like to fear everyday things. I've also learned how awesome the people in my life are. My family and best friend have been above and beyond the best people I could have around me. They don't understand how I feel but they try to and help me more than I think they'll ever really know.
It's hard, because I've never been dependant on others for my emotional well being (or the fact that I'm still sane)...I've always been someone who holds everything inside and tries to keep control over everything. And like many (I'm guessing) neurotic control freaks, I fail to control anything.

Storm

2007-04-23T08:09:00.000-07:00

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form.
The water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head.

If I could just see You everything would be alright.
If I could see You this darkness would turn into light
and I will walk on water, and You will catch me if I fall,
and I will get lost into Your eyes
and everything will be alright, and everything will be alright.

I know You didn't bring me out here to drown,
so why am I ten feet under and upside down.
Barely surviving has become my purpose
'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

and I will walk on water and You will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright.
(lifehouse)

Somewhere in Between

2007-04-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

I can't be losing sleep

         over this, no I can't
        and now I cannot stop pacing
        give me a few hours
        I'll have this all sorted out
        if my mind would just stop racing       

cause         I cannot stand still
        I can't be this unsturdy
        this cannot be happening       

this         is over my head
        but underneath my feet
        cause by tomorrow morning
        I'll have this thing beat
        and everything will be back to the way that it was
        I wish that it was just that easy       

cause         I'm waiting for tonight
        and then waiting for tomorrow
        and I'm somewhere in between
        what is real and just a dream

       

would         you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
        don't be surprised if I collapse
        down at your feet again
        I don't want to run away from this
        I know that I just don't need this       

cause         I cannot stand still
        I can't be this unsturdy
        this cannot be happening       

cause I'm waiting for tonight
and then waiting for tomorrow
and I'm somewhere in between

(lifehouse)